


It Feels Like I Can See The Past In Your Eyes

by softash



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Ash Lynx Is a Disaster, Ash Lynx is Scared of Pumpkins, Canon-Typical Violence, Consent, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Guns, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not exactly cannon compliant, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Okumura Eiji-centric, Past Rape/Non-con, Romantic Soulmates, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Sharing a Bed, Slice of Life, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29211096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softash/pseuds/softash
Summary: A banana fish fanfic where eiji is depressed and ash senses something is missing inside himself. somehow the two end up falling in love as they navigate college and gang violence.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Okumura Eiji/Shorter Wong
Comments: 18
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to put a HUGE warning for mentions of self harm in this story. it will be prevalent in most chapters, and there may be graphic scenes depending on if I can take writing it. self harm is something i have dealt with and i wanted to insert some of my toughest personal experiences into my writing. so HERE IS THE TRIGGER WARNING. i want readers to stay safe! if you can't read about self harm there is absolutely no shame in that, just do what is best for you. anyways. love yall!

EIJI POV

It was depression that brought Eiji Okumura to America, strangely enough. It wasn’t a job or a school that enticed him; it was the simple act of changing his scenery that was suggested to him by Ibe-san.

Of course, a job and a school is what followed, because one cannot survive in New York City without at least one of those things—take a guess which.

So this is how he wound up standing outside his new New York City apartment, a duffel bag clutched in one hand and the handle of his navy blue suitcase in the other. His whole body was quivering with the effort of having to lug all of his possessions up four flights of stairs, but he managed, he always did. His heart pounded in his ears as he released his duffel bag and extended a shaky hand to knock three times on the wooden door in front of him. “Four-Oh-Six”, read the plaque on the door.

He heard rustling on the other side of the door. Someone was calling out to someone else. There was bickering, and then finally, the door swung open.

A guy about Eiji’s age was grinning at him from behind a pair of black sunglasses. His purple, half-buzzed hair was wild and stood nearly straight up. He was tan, with an eyebrow piercing and a defined jaw. He looked just like he did in the pictures on the advertisement for the apartment.

“Eiji, right? It’s good to finally meet you. I’m Shorter Wong.” He held out his hand for Eiji to shake. His grip was firm, calloused. He had the hands of someone who worked hard.

Eiji gave him a nervous smile. He prayed Shorter couldn’t feel the excessive sweat on his palms. “Glad to finally be here. Thank you so much for letting me stay with you.” He cringed at his accent. He had no problem with it, but he’d been in situations with other Americans who did. It was funny; they were pretty vocal about it for people who never bothered to learn Japanese.

Shorter waved away his comment. “Don’t thank me. The place really isn’t anything special.” He added with a chuckle, “Though the rats like it plenty.”

Eiji froze. “R-Rats?!” he squeaked.

Shorter grinned. “I’m just messing with you. You Japanese, so serious.”

A voice called out from inside the apartment, “That’s enough, Shorter. You’ll scare him off with your bad jokes.”

Shorter rolled his eyes. “That’s Ash, your other idiot bastard of a roommate.”

“What was that?”

Shorter grinned. “Nothing, nothing!” He waved for Eiji to follow him inside.

The living room contained a shabby looking green couch, a stained wooden coffee table, and a sky blue threadbare rug. The hardwood floors were scratched and faded, the barren walls a dark green. Opposite the couch on the floor was a small TV. Hanging off the living room was a small nook containing a sad excuse for a kitchen, a bathroom, and two bedrooms. Eiji was already aware of the sleeping arrangements; he would get his own room while Shorter and Ash shared the other. He felt slightly guilty about making them share, but it was already agreed upon in the contract, so he assumed the two were comfortable enough with each other. At the far end of the room, there was a window with a firescape.

A blonde boy was sitting on said firescape.

He was stretched out across the metal, a book in his lap and a cigarette dangling between his lips. He let out puffs of smoke from his mouth in almost a set rhythm. His shiny yellow hair swayed across his face in the wind, resulting in him having to brush it behind his ear every so often with his slender fingers.

Eiji swallowed.

“Ash!” Shorter called. “Come out here and greet your new roommate!”

The boy sighed. He rose slowly to his feet and climbed inside through the open window, dusting off his pale blue jeans, book in hand.

He looked Eiji up and down, his expression unreadable. Perhaps bored.

“This is Eiji,” said Shorter, grinning. “The photography major from Japan. You know, the one who you said was cu—”

Ash’s pale complexion turned pink. “Eiji,” he said quickly, cutting Shorter off, “Hi.”

Eiji smiled, a light blush dusting his cheeks. He liked the sound of his name on Ash’s voice, which flowed like sweet honey, nice on the ears. He felt both boys’ eyes on him as he bowed. “Nice to meet you.”

“All right, now that we’ve got introductions out of the way, let’s show ‘em his new room!” Shorter said excitedly. “You're gonna love it. It’s Ash’s old place.”

Eiji paled. He was taking the pretty boy’s room? Guilt settled in his stomach.

Shorter seemed to read his mind. “Don’t worry, Eiji, Ash is happy to be bunking with me. Isn’t that right, blondie?” he said with a smirk, ruffling Ash’s hair.

Ash swatted his hand away. “You’re just lucky I’m not taking your room for myself and making you sleep on the couch,” he grumbled, though a smile tugged at his lips.

Eiji’s new room was simple, small, nearly bare. Shoved up against the wall was a twin with a metal frame that creaked when you sat on it. Opposite the twin bed was a small wooden desk and a large dresser. The floor was less scuffed than the living room and the walls were a baby blue color. They looked freshly painted.

“Did you…paint this for me?” Eiji asked.

Shorter beamed. “Yeah, do you like it? We did it all by ourselves. It was Ash’s idea.” He nudged the other boy forward playfully.

Ash averted his eyes. “The paint was an ugly yellow color. I figured you’d want something fresh to start out with,” he muttered.

Shorter grinned. “Look at you, thinking about someone other than yourself.”

“Shut it.” Ash leaned over and plucked the sunglasses off of Shorter’s face. “And you look stupid with these on inside.”

“Eiji thinks I look cool!” Shorter protested, attempting to snatch the glasses back, but Ash held them high and out of reach. “You do, don’t you, Eiji?”

Eiji couldn’t help but giggle. “I do think they looked a little funny on inside, but I figured it was an American thing to do.”

The other boys looked at him as if to see if he was serious. Then, laughter.

“You thought all Americans wear sunglasses inside because of this idiot?” Ash asked, smirking.

Eiji blushed. “W-What else was I supposed to think? That the lights were really that bright?”

Ash laughed again. Eiji felt his heart skip a beat. It was a beautiful, light noise; he longed to hear more. He wanted to make Ash laugh like that until he was doubled over and clutching his sides.

Just then, Ash’s phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He glanced at the caller ID and his expression darkened, all trace of the carefree playfulness gone from his face. “I gotta take this,” he muttered, and left.

Shorter smiled apologetically. “Ash is a pretty busy guy. You’ll find that he’s out most of the time, but I take it you’ll be pretty busy, too, with school and all. That’s great, you know. That you’re going to school.” He paused before adding, “It’s just that, not many guys around us do that. So. You know. I think it’s cool that you’re able to.” He nodded to himself. “I’m gonna talk to Ash. I’ll let you unpack, okay?”

Eiji frowned to himself as he unpacked his clothes and set them into the dresser drawers. He wondered who was calling Ash that made him look so…what was the word? Down? Angry? Defeated? Eiji didn’t know him well enough to recognize just how he was feeling. He sighed to himself as he took out his camera bag and set it on the desk.

He began hanging up photos of himself, his family, of Ibe-san and his old friends from Japan. The shiny photographs stood out against the light blue walls. He smiled sadly. Though he’d only been in America less than a day, he already missed his friends and family loads. He couldn’t help it. They were all the way across the world.

“I’m in America, _Okaa-san_ ,” Eiji said softly, brushing his fingers over the photograph of his mother. She was pictured holding a bouquet of lilies, a big, proud grin on her face. Eiji had taken the photograph right after one of his pole-vaulting matches where he scored particularly high. He remembered the way she kissed his cheek afterward and gave him a tight squeeze, whispering in his ear, “My boy, you can fly.”

A tear rolled down his cheek, and he wiped it away quickly with his sleeve. He felt slightly pathetic for crying so soon after coming to America. But what could he do? Everyone he cared about was thousands (though it felt like millions) of miles away.

 _Maybe this was a mistake,_ he thought. _Maybe this will only make things worse._

He pushed the thoughts away quickly, shaking his head as if to physically force them out. He couldn’t start thinking like that now, not so soon, not ever. He needed this. He needed this change more than anything. This is what was supposed to help him, right? That’s what his therapist said, what Ibe-san said, what his mother said. And he knew he could trust them, he had to. He needed this, because otherwise he knew it would only be a matter of time before the faded scars on his thighs and hips reappeared, before the sharps in his home started to feel like gateways to some escape. Before he started to lose himself in the suffocating darkness and the hopelessness of it all.

There was a knock at the door.

“Eiji? Can I come in?”

Eiji rubbed his eyes quickly with his sleeve to get rid of any remaining tears. “Y-Yes. Come in.”

Shorter pushed open the door. “Wow, love the decoration,” he said, admiring the photos that now lined the wall beside Eiji’s bed. “Is that your family?” he asked, pointing to the picture of Eiji’s mother and her two sisters.

Eiji nodded. “My Mom and my aunties. We all lived in the same house.”

“Got any siblings?”

He shook his head.

He pointed to a picture of his two friends. “These are my friends, Akiyama and Ikeda.” He smiled, adding, “When they heard I was coming to live in America, they asked me to photograph the statue of liberty for them.”

Shorter grinned. “Don’t worry. We’ll show you all around the popular sightseeing destinations. I’ll be your personal tour guide!”

Eiji smiled. “I’d like that.”

Shorter’s finger moved to point to another photo. “Who’s this?” The photo was of a tall, pale boy with wispy natural-red hair. He was all smiles, holding up a peace sign and an icecream cone in the other hand.

Eiji’s heart skipped a beat. His hands immediately fumbled to take the picture down. “That’s an old friend. I—we—I don’t know why I hung that one up.” The words came out in a rush, a panic. Panic is certainly what squeezed Eiji’s heart now as he gripped the photo tightly in his hands, nearly crumpling it.

Shorter smirked. “An ex?”

“N-Nothing like—like that,” Eiji said quickly, stumbling over his words. But it _was_ something like that, wasn’t it? “Just an old friend.”

Shorter nodded. “Well, my shift at Chang Dai starts soon, so I’m gonna head out. Ash probably won’t be home for several hours, so you’re on your own for the night.”

Eiji nodded. “Thank you. For everything.”

Shorter chuckled. “You really should stop thanking me. This place will lose its charm in about a week. The whole damn city will.”

Eiji didn’t know what to say to that, so he just nodded mutely.

“Don’t go out on your own when it gets any darker, okay? You’ll get lost, and this isn’t Japan, if you know what I mean.”

Eiji nodded again. He didn’t.

After Shorter left, Eiji was all alone. He wandered around the apartment, familiarizing himself with its quirks, like the cracks in the walls and the water damage under the windows and the creaks in the floorboards. Little things, things to zone in on when one felt like they were swimming, no, drowning, in the chaos that was life. Not that he had any experience with that.

When Eiji approached the kitchen, he was surprised to find it spotless.

It was, however, empty. He supposed that explained the cleanliness.

Eiji sighed. The only thing in the cabinets were some crackers, and he was not going to have wheat thins for dinner. That was just not an option.

It was already six, and the sun had long since set, but Eiji decided he’d go to the nearest market to get some groceries. He wanted to be able to repay his new roommates by cooking for them (in addition, of course, to his monthly rent). He checked his phone to find that the nearest grocery store was a ten minute walk away. _Not bad,_ he thought as he pulled on his shoes and coat.

It was fall, and the weather in New York was quickly fading from sweltering hot to cool, cold in the evenings. He passed by laundromats, liquor stores, and other small, barred-up businesses as he walked down the street. Finally, he made it to the grocery store he was looking for, one of the many in the Chinatown district (near where their apartment building was located). Eiji grabbed a shopping basket and began looking for the essentials: rice, pasta, eggs, milk, bread, and a small selection of fruits and vegetables, among other things. Ash and Shorter didn’t even have essentials such as flour, oil, and seasonings, so he grabbed those as well, and more.

Walking back to the apartment, Eiji struggled to juggle the three grocery bags, but he managed. He fumbled with the key and pushed the door open, sighing when he finally entered the dark apartment. He set the groceries down on the small bit of counter space the kitchen offered with a huff.

Eiji enjoyed organizing the groceries. He hummed as he did so. He liked watching the cupboard shelves slowly fill with grains, breads, and spices, though things became more complicated when he reached the fridge. Half-fridges were more common than full sized fridges in New York City, he knew from scrolling through hundreds of pages of apartments. He was just grateful they had four burners on their stove and an oven rather than just a microwave, which was unfortunately common as well. He struggled to stuff all of the groceries into the fridge, but he made do with what little space they had.

Eiji decided to make a simple ramen dish. First, he simmered garlic, ginger, and his vegetables in olive and sesame oil. He added flavour to the broth with rice vinegar, soy sauce, and siracha before adding two packs of instant ramen noodles (discarding the flavouring packets in the trash). Eiji enjoyed cooking more than anything else these days. Mixing together ingredients to create a dish that he could enjoy with others brought him immense joy. He felt more at ease, more _himself_ when he was in the kitchen preparing food. Perhaps cooking was all he had in this unfamiliar, foreign country. Perhaps it was all he had to fill the gaping hole in his heart left behind by his injury, and, well, other things.

ASH POV

The alleyway was dark, cold, as Ash Lynx trekked through trash and muck, his hands buried in his pockets and his hooded head down. His heart was pounding in his ears.

“Ash!” Skipper exclaimed when he saw him, standing up from his seat on a wooden crate. Behind him was the entrance to Ash’s destination—an underground bar in Harlem. “How’s the new roommate?”

Ash smiled slightly at the thought of Eiji. “He’s, uh—” _cute_. “—okay. Doesn’t seem like he’ll cause any problems.”

Skipper smiled. “When can I meet him?”

“Don’t wanna overwhelm the poor guy, Skipper,” he said with a chuckle, nudging Skipper’s shoulder playfully.

Together they entered the bar. It was bustling with members of different gangs, tough guys with bulging muscles and tattoos. Ash on the other hand, was tall and lanky, though strong. He stuck out among the crowd. Cigarette smoke hung in the air, as did the bittersweet scent of alcohol, making the air in the room feel heavy, almost suffocating. Ash swallowed. His eyes zeroed in on the man whose fault it was that he was there in the first place—Arthur Frederick. He was playing pool with a couple of his buddies. Guys Ash didn’t like, but didn’t dislike enough to cause trouble.

Not that they’d be any trouble for him.

Arthur grinned when he caught sight of Ash. He straightened, leaning his weight on the pool stick. His wild blonde hair glowed slightly pink under the reddish lighting of the bar.

“Ash Lynx.”

Ash rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it’s me. What did you drag me down here for, Frederick?” He knew what he wanted—revenge for his stupid fucking fingers, which Ash had nearly slashed off in a knife fight over a year ago. The poor guy couldn’t even handle a gun at this point. Ash felt no remorse. Arthur wanted territory, control. So what was he begging from Ash now?

What Frederick said next was entirely different from what Ash was expecting, though.

“Your old man Dino made me a proposal.”

Ash froze. His hands clenched into involuntary fists in his pockets. Dino Golzine. He hadn’t heard that name in what, a month? More? That was a long time for Ash. Nobody dared mention Dino Golzine around him, not if they didn’t want to lose an eye.

He breathed out through his nose to steady himself. “Meaning?” His voice was cool, collected. Because Ash Lynx was always calm, always casual; that’s what made him such a great leader in everyone’s eyes—that and his wicked sharp shot.

“Meaning you’d better ease up on downtown if you don’t want an all-out war on your hands,” Arthur replied.

Ash sighed. “It’s always empty threats with you, Arthur.”

Arthur straightened, letting the pool stick rest against the table. “Not empty. Just a threat.”

“Oh?”

“Dino wants his prodigy back. His…what do you call it?” His eyes glinted. “Right. Manslut.”

Ash let out a velvety laugh. “That one’s new. Nobody’s ever called me a manslut before.”

“You may be more accustomed with the term ‘whore’?”

“That’s the one.”

Arthur crossed his arms. He clearly was not enjoying the banter. “Go back to him, Ash. Before he takes you for himself. Save yourself, and your friends.” He eyed Skipper, who was talking animatedly with the bartender. His legs dangled above the ground, seeing as he was sitting on one of the high bar stools, swinging back and forth in time with the music that played softly in the background.

Ash stiffened. Rage crept into his system. “Lay a hand on any of them, and I’ll fucking finish what I started,” he growled, nodding to Arthur’s disfigured hand.

Arthur chuckled. “You know, I’d like a rematch.”

“Assholes always do.”

Arthur sighed. “Ash, I’m actually not looking for a fight. I just want my ground back.”

“Like hell you aren’t,” Ash flashed. His resolve was slowly crumbling. The sea of anger inside was threatening to unleash itself. “You want your ground back, your guys back. You want to slash my throat. You’re creating a nice long list for Santa, aren’t you?”

Arthur grinned. He held his hands up in mock defense. “All right, you caught me. I’m glad I don’t have to keep up the nice guy act.”

“It was a shitty act,” Ash muttered.

“I want to duel again.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m serious about Dino, you know. He wants you back, and in exchange, he’ll help me get back my turf.” He paused. “I’m not going to back down.”

“Neither am I.” Ash made to leave then. He’d had enough. When he reached the door, he looked back over his shoulder at Arthur and spat, “Tell Dino to stick his proposal up his ass.” He nodded for Skipper to follow him out.

When they were out of the bar and in the alleyway, effectively alone, Ash pulled Skipper into a hug.

Skipper stiffened for a moment before relaxing again. “Ash?”

Ash released him quickly. “Sorry. I didn’t—I didn’t ask. I’m sorry.” He looked down at his feet. 

Skipper smiled warmly at him. “It’s okay. I like hugs. Can I?”

Ash nodded. He pulled the young boy to his chest. “You—I don’t want you walking around alone,” he mumbled into his hair. “At night, or anytime. I want you to stick with Kong or Bones. Just—you know. Be careful.”

Skipper grinned. “You know me. I’m always careful.”

Ash nodded and squeezed him tight quickly before releasing him. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Still. There was a sinking feeling in his gut as he walked home.

When Ash returned to his shared apartment, he was hit with the lovely aroma of a home cooked meal. He stopped in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face. Someone was humming. Someone was _humming_ and making _food_. His apartment had never felt more homely, and it was…strange. New. Not unpleasant in the slightest.

“Uh,” he said as he took off his shoes, “Shorter?”

Someone—Eiji—peeked his head out from the kitchen nook. “Oh—I hope you don’t mind that I made dinner,” he said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

“Not at all.” Ash walked towards the boy. He couldn’t contain the smile that tugged at his lips. He found Eiji incredibly attractive; his plump lips, dark eyes, and messy black hair were all created a sweet, innocent face. His features were soft.

He eyed the bubbling pot of ramen on the stove, inhaling its delightful scent. It looked absolutely delicious. “Where’d you get…all this?” He asked, gesturing to the cupboards, which were filled with an assortment of colorful bags of foods.

“Went grocery shopping,” Eiji replied, turning his attention back to his cooking task. “I didn’t have a choice. You guys didn’t have anything.”

“Ah…yeah, sorry about that. I’ll pay you back.”

Eiji held up a hand to silence him. “Don’t be silly. I took your room—this is my way of repaying you.”

Ash couldn’t help but laugh. “Seriously, don’t worry about it. Shorter isn’t so bad.”

Eiji grinned. “He looks like the snoring type.”

Ash chuckled. “You’re not wrong about that.”

Eiji grabbed two bowls from one of the cupboards and dished out two servings of ramen. He handed the steaming bowl to Ash along with a pair of sleek wooden chopsticks. The bowl instantly warmed his hands, spreading heat throughout his body.

Ash smiled. “Thank you.”

The Japanese boy blushed. He looked as if to say something, but then thought better of it. “Well,” he said finally, “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

Ash nodded. _Of course, it would be awkward to eat together. We just met, afterall,_ he thought. He tried not to be too hurt by it.

Besides, he had other things on his mind. A cute boy was the last thing he needed to be worrying about right now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically da boys are just having fun sightseeing

EIJI POV

Eiji awoke to the sound of a blaring siren. “Gah!” he shrieked, sitting up in his twin bed. The bedsprings groaned beneath him. His eyes darted around the room in search of the source of the noise. Was there a fire? An earthquake? God forbid, a tsunami?

He flung open his door, expecting there to be smoke in the living room. The air was clear. He checked the front door to see if it was still locked—it was.

The alarm continued to blare.

He swore to himself in Japanese.  _ What the fuck is that? What’s going on? _ He was about to get his shoes on and run out of the apartment building when suddenly, Shorter and Ash’s bedroom swung open and out stumbled Shorter in his boxers, yawning as he scratched his stomach.

Eiji covered his eyes with a hand, blushing bright red.

The alarm stopped.

“Oh, hey Eiji. Did that car alarm wake you?” Shorter asked, his voice sleepy and deep.

Eiji’s face was burning hot. How was Shorter acting so casual when he was standing in front of a stranger in his underwear? “I-I didn’t know it was a car alarm,” he mumbled. “I thought that there was, like, a fire or something.” He blushed even deeper. It sounded absolutely stupid to say it out loud.

Shorter chuckled softly. “Nope. No fire. Just a car break-in.”

“Right.” Eiji turned around quickly, eager to look at something other than Shorter’s defined abs. His heart was pounding in his chest.  _ Shorter is fucking ripped, _ he couldn’t help but think. He coughed. “I’m…gonna make some breakfast.”

“Breakfast? I don’t eat it.”

Eiji chuckled and headed over to the cupboards. “I thought Americans loved breakfast. Isn’t it the most important meal of the day?” He tapped his chin. “I forgot to buy cereal though…well, there’s toast and eggs.” Smiling to himself, he added, “Very American.”

Shorter flopped down on the couch, stretching his arms above his head. “Speaking of American things—wanna see the statue of liberty today?”

Eiji grabbed a loaf of bread from one of the cabinets. “I’m pretty sure it was a gift from the French.”

“Fuckin’ nerd.”

Eiji giggled. “But yes, I’d love to see the Statue of Liberty.” He paused. His voice was dangerously casual as he asked, “Will Ash be coming?”

“Ash…that asshole never wakes up.” Shorter sighed. “But, yeah, he’ll come. I’ll drag him if I have to.”

Eiji said quickly, “No, no, that’s okay. He shouldn’t come if he doesn’t want to. Also, where’s the toaster?”

Shorter cocked his head to the side. “Toaster? The fuck? We don’t have one.”

Eiji facepalmed. “What happened to our American breakfast?” he groaned. “How can you make an American breakfast without a toaster?”

“Listen, you don’t need to make breakfast, really.”

He scowled. “Of course I’m making breakfast. I’ll make eggs…rice…yeah.”

“So, I take it you’ve given up on the American breakfast?”

A smile tugged at Eiji’s lips. “So I have.”

Shorter rose to his feet then. “I’m gonna wake Ash. I can’t believe that bastard slept through that damn car alarm.” He shook his head muttering to himself as he walked to his bedroom.

Eiji started to make rice. His hands worked quick with the stove, with the rice, with it all. It’s not like Shorter and Ash had a toaster, or a rice maker, or…god knows what else they were missing. Eiji was cracking an egg into a frying pan when he heard Shorter bellow,

“ASH!”

He jumped.

“Ash, you lazy bastard, wake up!” Shorter yelled. There was more chatter that Eiji could hardly hear, though the walls were quite thin.

He snickered. He added salt, pepper, and red chili flakes to the egg in the pan. He watched as it slowly began to bubble around the edges. Once the egg was white and bubbling, he gracefully used the spatula to flip it over with the simple flick of his wrist. It landed face down on the pan with a satisfying sizzle.

As Eiji was sliding the egg onto a plate, Shorter emerged from his bedroom, looking defeated. “It’s no use,” he whined. “He sleeps like a rock.” Eiji focused on cracking the next egg onto the pan, determined not to look at Shorter in his underwear again. He could feel his cheeks growing red again. “Why don’t you try?”

“M-Me?” Eiji stuttered. He gripped the spatula tighter. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  _ Wouldn’t it be weird to be woken up by someone who’s practically a stranger?  _ he thought.

“It might be good if it becomes a habit, you know. I won’t always be here in the mornings to wake him up. That means the job falls on…” He swirled his pointer finger around in the air before poking Eiji directly in the chest. “You.”

Eiji gulped. “Fine. Just…take care of the eggs,” he muttered, handing a grinning Shorter the spatula. “And watch the rice.”

“Glad I can count on you, Eiji!”

Eiji knocked on Ash and Shorter’s bedroom door before entering. “Ash? I’m coming in, is that okay?”

No answer.

He sighed and pushed the door open slightly.

The room was much more spacious than his own bedroom, probably twice its size, able to comfortably fit two twin beds, a desk, a dresser, two nightstands, and a small bookshelf. Three tall windows lined the wall opposite the door. Eiji guessed that they would let in a lot of natural light if not for the thick cream curtains draped across them. They turned the light a yellowish hue. The walls were a mustard color. Eiji wrinkled his nose. The color was…stinky. He couldn’t quite explain how.

Ash was asleep in the bed closest to the window, breathing softly. He was sleeping on his stomach, and his blanket had gathered around his waist slightly so that his pale back was exposed. He had one face buried in his arm, the other resting by his side.

Eiji couldn’t help but smile. He crept forward slowly so as not to startle the boy—though he’d already slept through a car alarm, what else could he take? He stopped by the head of his bed and knelt down.

“Ash,” he whispered. Again, louder: “Ash.”

Ash groaned. “Go away Shorter,” he mumbled into his arm. “You dirty fucker. Fuckin’ bastard. Get the fuck out of my room.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Eiji’s lips. “Ash, it’s Eiji.”

There was a moment of silence as the words registered in Ash’s mind.

He rolled over and sat up quickly. His expression was a mix of tiredness and pure horror. “I’m—oh god, I’m so sorry Eiji, I didn’t—”

Eiji laughed lightly. “It’s okay. Shorter and I made breakfast.”

“B-Breakfast?”

“You eat it, don’t you?”

“I…I will today.”

Eiji nodded. “Okay. Well, that’s good.” He was suddenly hyper aware of the fact that he was kneeling before Ash, who was shirtless and god-knows-what-else-less. His face grew warm, and he stood quickly. “I-I’m gonna finish the rice,” he said. He stopped at the door.

“Ash?”

“Hmm?”

“Goodmorning.”

The blonde blinked. His cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink. “G-Good morning,” he stammered.

“Well, well, well, look who finally decided to finally fuckin’ wake up,” Shorter mused when Ash emerged from their bedroom. Eiji was relieved to find that unlike Shorter, he was wearing pants, though he was still shirtless. His face grew warm at the sight of him.

“Here,” he said quickly, shoving a small bowl of rice and egg toward him, averting his eyes.

Ash offered him a sleepy smile. “Thanks.”

They ate on the couch, Shorter seated in the middle.

“ _ Itadakimasu _ ,” Eiji muttered before taking his first bite of rice and egg.

“Hmm?” Shorter glanced at him.

He blushed. “Nothing. It’s—that’s something Japanese say before eating. It’s like… ‘thank you for the food’.”

“It-a-dak-ee-mass,” Ash murmured. He glanced over at Eiji, who blushed.

“Dude, you sound nothing like him,” Shorter said, laughing at Ash’s poor attempt at speaking Japanese.

“Shut up,” the blonde grumbled before taking a bite of egg.

It was silent for a while as the three of them munched on their food. Eiji was content to stay quiet. He enjoyed Ash and Shorter’s company fine, so it wasn’t awkward. He was grateful to have such warm and welcoming roommates.

“Eiji and I were thinking about seeing the Statue of Liberty today,” Shorter said to Ash after a moment. “You’re coming.”

Ash said nothing.

Eiji suddenly felt guilty. He didn’t want to ruin Ash’s day by dragging him around sightseeing when he didn’t want to. Did Shorter even want to go, or did he just feel compelled to watch after him? “You know, I can go on my own if neither of you want to come,” he said quickly. “I’m sure I could navigate the bus lines fine.”

“Nonsense. Ash is just being grumpy. And I would  _ love  _ to go, Eiji.”

Ash spoke up. “I’ll go.”

Shorter raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised by Ash’s willingness to accompany them on their adventure. “And here I was thinking I was going to have to physically drag you out of the apartment. You’ve lost your edge.”

Ash rolled his eyes but held his tongue.

They decided to leave the apartment at around ten, giving themselves more than enough time to get ready. Shorter liked to hog the mirror as they brushed teeth, combing through his hair with his tan fingers, grinning at his reflection. Eiji stood in the corner as the other two bickered over who would spit in the sink first. He caught Ash’s gaze in the mirror. The blonde offered him an apologetic smile.

Eiji’s heart fluttered, and he looked away quickly.

He got dressed in a white collared button down and khakis before slipping on a red sweatshirt with an ugly cartoon bird on the front, and finally, a navy blazer over that. He certainly wouldn’t be cold. He grabbed his camera, wallet, keys, and phone and stuffed it all into his canvas bag before heading out into the living room.

Ash was ready last of all of them. It was becoming more and more apparent to Eiji how little of a morning person he was. He was slightly hunched in on himself, as if to shy away from the rest of the world. His body language screamed, “It’s too early for this.”

They walked ten minutes to catch the M55 bus, which would take them from Lower Manhattan to Battery Park, where they would catch the tour boat. The bus was crowded with people and very dirty in comparison to the subways and buses in Japan, though Eiji paid it no mind. There weren’t enough seats for the three of them to sit, so Shorter and Ash were left standing after making Eiji take the only open seat (despite his protests). Eiji watched with excitement as they rode past crowds of pedestrians, shops, and tall office buildings, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of each high rise they passed. The sky above was a brilliant blue, cloudless, creating a wonderful solid backdrop for the buildings. He wanted to pull out his camera but the bus was moving too fast for him to get a good shot. Besides, then everyone on the bus would know he’s a tourist, and for some reason that embarrassed him.

They got off the bus and began walking to Battery Park, where they would catch a Statues Cruise to Liberty Island. Eiji was practically buzzing with excitement as they weaved through crowds of pedestrians. The streets were packed with people and cars, making for slow traffic.

He kept his eyes on Shorter’s bright purple mohawk so that he wouldn’t get lost in the sea of people pushing and shoving their way down the sidewalk. It was becoming increasingly difficult, however, and he felt anxiety slowly begin to creep in as the noises around him grew incredibly louder. People chattering, yelling, coughing, sneezing, brushing past him, touching him. He was surrounded. He felt a familiar squeezing sensation in his chest beginning to take hold.

_ Fuck, not now. Not here. _ He took deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth as he continued to follow Shorter’s colorful hair through the crowd. It helped somewhat. The tightness in his chest loosened slightly, and he felt less sweaty.

Finally they reached Battery Park. It was beautiful and green, with lots of trees and a big memorial in the center. Eiji didn’t pay much attention to it, though. His eyes were fixated on what was ahead of them.

The Statue of Liberty stood off in the distance. They were at an angle so that they were facing her side, but Eiji was still in awe. The green woman stood proudly atop her pedestal with her torch held high in front of her, as if guiding the New York City high rises to victory or perhaps safety, whichever they needed most.

“Pretty cool, right?” said Shorter, nudging Eiji.

Eiji smiled. “I can’t wait to see it up close.”

ASH POV

The three of them walked over to where the tickets to ‘Statue Cruises’ were being sold and got in line to purchase.

“Let me pay,” Eiji said. “I dragged you guys here, it’s on me.”

Ash and Shorter both laughed. “Nice try, Eiji. Ash is treating us,” Shorter said.

Ash scowled. “Pay for your own ticket, you cheapskate.” He turned to the woman at the register, who was watching the conversation with an amused expression on her face. “I’ll take two tickets, please,” he said.

He reached into his pocket for his money, but Eiji was already there, shoving him aside and handing the woman his cash. “Make it three,” he said before either boys could protest.

Ash stared at him in disbelief. He was so  _ stubborn.  _ He opened his mouth to object, but the dark haired boy cut him off, a triumphant grin on his face. “Think of it as me paying you back for the room.”

“I thought that’s what the ramen was for!”

Eiji grinned. “Oh, Ash. The ramen was just the beginning!”

Ash’s heart fluttered.

_ Just the beginning. _

He couldn’t get the words out of his head as they waited in line, nor while they got their tickets checked, and not even as they boarded the tour boat.

“Let’s go to the top deck, Eiji. There’s a nice view up there,” said Shorter.

Eiji nodded. The three of them ascended the wide staircase to the top deck. There were only a few people up there, although the view was absolutely stunning. The sun shone bright against the cloudless azure sky. Ash tilted his head up and let his skin absorb the sun’s warmth, sighing. It was rare of him to leave the house for reasons unrelated to the gang; this had to be the first time in weeks. The whole time they’d been out he’d felt paranoid, felt eyes on the back of his neck. Following him. Measuring. Analyzing. He didn’t know if it was just his imagination, or an actual threat. He would have brushed the feeling off without a second thought if not for Arthur’s comments from the day before.

Ash didn’t know how to relax when he wasn’t in his apartment. He didn’t know how to relax around anybody but Shorter.

But he was learning.

“Ash, may I take your picture?”

A voice full of kindness. No ill intent behind the words.

He glanced at Eiji, who was holding his camera to his chest, a soft smile on his lips. His hair had gotten ruffled from the wind, and Ash’s fingers itched to brush the dark strands from his face.

He cleared his throat. “Um. A picture?”

Eiji nodded. He suddenly turned shy. “You—you look nice, with the sun on your face,” he mumbled, turning slightly red.

Ash blushed and looked away. He didn’t like pictures. He didn’t like being in front of cameras after his past experiences with them. The clicks and shudders of the devices reminded him of old pot-bellied men who reeked of smoke and booze, of hands on his body, pushing, pulling, splitting him in half. Of being young, vulnerable, and afraid.

But this was Eiji, wasn’t it? Eiji smelled faintly of vanilla. Eiji had soft, delicate looking hands that Ash  _ wished  _ would hold him, touch him. Eiji made Ash feel nervous but in a warm, fluttery way.

_ Just the beginning. _

Ash smiled. “All right. Just one. And you have to delete it if I look stupid.”

Eiji grinned. “Promise.” He held the camera up to his face, playing with the buttons and knobs before asking, “You ready?” Ash leaned against the boat railing, tilting his head up a bit, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his pale skin.

“I’m ready.”

The moment the ship hit the Liberty Island dock, Shorter was grabbing Ash and Eiji by the hand and pulling them off the boat.

“Wha—Shorter—”

He dragged them along, grinning.

Ash looked up at the Statue of Liberty which stood before them, only this time, they were looking at it from the front instead of at the shoulder. And it was fucking massive.

Eiji craned his neck to get a view of the crown. “Wow, this is amazing!” he exclaimed, wide-eyed. He stepped back to take a picture, angling his camera up to capture the head and torch. He walked around, kneeling, laying down, and standing on his tippy toes, finding different angles. He took probably a dozen photos before finally walking back over to Shorter and Ash, who were watching him with amused expressions on their faces.

“I promised my friends at home that I would show them photos of tourist attractions and…American things,” he explained shyly.

Ash smirked. “This statue’s French, though.”

“That’s what I said!”

Shorter rolled his eyes. “Both of you are fucking nerds.”

* * *

After getting to see the Statue of Liberty up close, the boys stopped for ice cream. Ash paid this time, shooting Eiji a stern look before handing the teen at the register his cash. He handed Eiji the bowl of vanilla and strawberry ice cream and instantly Shorter attacked it with his own spoon.

“You asshole,” he muttered.

Shorter grinned. “Go on, Eiji, try some.”

Eiji took a spoonful of vanilla and stuck it in his mouth. He hummed. “Very good. Thank you, Ash.”

Ash smiled. Eiji’s accent made his voice sound like  _ Ash-u _ , two syllables. He found it endearing.

Eiji grabbed another spoon from a bucket near the register and held it out to Ash along with the bowl of ice cream. “You paid for it. It’s technically yours.”

“I got it for you, silly,” Ash said. “And Shorter,” he added quickly, blushing slightly.

Shorter gave him a curious look but, thankfully, kept his mouth shut.

Ash sighed and plucked the spoon from Eiji’s grasp. He dug a big spoonful of both flavors and shoved it in his mouth, savoring the sweet taste. “Happy?”

Eiji beamed. The expression made Ash’s heart do backflips.  _ God,  _ he thought,  _ Why does he have to be so damn cute? _

As they walked down the street in the direction of their apartment, Eiji and Shorter finished the ice cream bowl. Ash was content to walk behind them, watching the way Eiji licked his lips after each bite of sweetness and the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed at one of Shorter’s bad jokes.

His heart hadn’t felt this full in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i have so many fluffy ideas for this story but no angst??? help???


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eiji takes a piece of his past with him to new york.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW FOR SELF HARM IN THIS CHAP

A week had passed since Eiji moved to New York City, and he, Ash, and Shorter were developing a routine. Shorter was out most of the day, seeing as he had a job, friends, and “other things” to attend to. He also had a sister, Eiji learned, whom he would stay with on occasion. That left Eiji and Ash alone, so Eiji was the one tasked with waking the blonde. He discovered that if he didn’t, he would wake up late in the afternoon, an entire day behind him.

Either that, or he was gone before Eiji woke up. There was no way of knowing which would come.

Eiji definitely preferred the days where Ash slept in and stayed at home. He enjoyed his company. Ash loved to read, and he would do so on one end of the couch while Eiji sat at the other, wrapping up the last of his summer assignments for NYU. School began on the second day of September; that gave him one more week. He would be majoring in psychology and minoring in photography/digital design. Ash was very interested in Eiji’s studies. He liked to lean over his shoulder as he was writing (with consent of course), which never failed to make Eiji flustered.

The two got along well, to say the least. Though Eiji didn’t know much at all about Ash’s life. He was usually the one to share when they talked. Ash loved to hear about Eiji’s life in Japan, about his friends, his family. And Eiji liked talking about it, though it made his heart ache just a bit.

Because in all honesty, he missed home, a lot. He couldn’t help it. But he was nineteen, for fuck’s sake! Living away from home was normal for people his age. Ash was doing it, and he was two years younger. Yet every time he pictured his mother or his aunties or his house in Izumo he was met with this crushing sense of  _ loneliness. _ And loneliness was something he’d never been able to bear.

He feared himself. He feared the thoughts that crept into his mind when he was on his own for prolonged periods. He feared the memories of knives against skin and the longing he felt in his chest when he thought about it. He was  _ lonely. _ He had never been good at entertaining himself when he was on his own. He had nothing to do, nothing to distract him from his thoughts about hurting himself. Even when Ash and Shorter were around, they only acted as a buffer, as if the depression was inevitable. The violent thoughts would quiet only to return at volumes ten times as high. It was suffocating. His own mind was  _ suffocating  _ him, and he couldn’t make it stop; he didn’t even know if he wanted it to stop. How fucking pathetic.

So that’s why, on his seventh day in America, Eiji found himself buying new blades.

“Going out?” Shorter had asked as he shrugged on his coat.

Eiji nodded. He was anxious, shaky, restless. He knew he shouldn’t. He owed it to his mother, to his doctors, to Ibe-san. To his friends, who had put up with his shit for way too long.

“Where to?”

Eiji swallowed. “Just on a walk,” he replied, praying his voice came out casual.

It did. It always did.

* * *

Eiji pulled his hoodie tighter around himself as he walked down the busy street. He felt as if everyone in the world were watching his every move, that’s how nervous he was. His hands were balled up tight in his pockets as he walked. His fingernails were digging into his palms so deep he felt as if he could tear the skin of his hands off right then and there.

His chest felt tight as he entered the small hardware store he’d mapped out on his phone. It took him several minutes to locate the razor blades. He wandered through the aisles slowly, scanning each section for the familiar shiny blades.

And after a good five minutes or so, there they were, sleek and shiny and sharp.

Eiji swallowed. Double edged, or single edged? He quickly settled on single. He didn’t want to spend any more time in the store than he had to.

He felt like crying as he approached the register. Shame clawed at him from the inside. He slid the item over the counter, averting his eyes. The man at the register scanned it lazily and muttered his total. The interaction was complete in a matter of seconds.

And then he was out. How had it been so easy? He recalled back when sharps felt so out of reach, when his mother would lock every remotely pointy thing in the house in a massive black box with a heavy padlock. How he tried just about everything to pry the damned thing open.

The reason she’d let him go to America was trust, wasn’t it? Trust and love.

And here Eiji was, doing the very thing he had sworn  _ not  _ to do.

He was so caught up in his thoughts he didn’t even notice the man in front of him trying to grab his attention.

“Eiji?”

“Eiji!”

The Japanese boy looked up from his shoes quickly. His eyes widened at the sight of the familiar lanky blonde standing before him. “A-Ash! What are you doing here?” Panic squeezed him, and his clammy hand tightened around the small plastic box of razor blades in his pocket.

Ash smiled warmly at him. “I was just on my way home.”

Eiji was speechless for a moment. A beat of silence passed between the two of them.

“Were you going somewhere, or did you want to walk around a bit, together?” the blonde asked, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

Eiji stiffened. “I-I’m kinda tired,” he stammered. “How about we just go back to our place?” Despite everything going on inside, he blushed at the implication of the words, ‘our place’.

Ash smiled. “Sounds good.” God, his smile was so  _ warm. _ So pretty and contagious. It made Eiji’s heart do somersaults.

They walked down the streets of Chinatown to their apartment silently. It probably would have felt awkward if Eiji’s heart and brain weren’t racing. He kept his eyes on his shoes as they walked. His hand was clenched tight around the pack of blades in his pocket. He was so jittery, his whole body was trembling with nerves. What were the odds of Ash finding him on the street right after he buys new fucking blades?

“What do you wanna do for dinner tonight?” Ash asked after a few minutes, breaking the silence, which Eiji was sure was uncomfortable for him seeing as he wasn’t lost in his thoughts like the other boy was. “I think it will be all three of us.”

Eiji smiled slightly. The three of them usually didn’t eat dinner together because of their different schedules and demands. It could be nice, if he didn’t fuck it up somehow. “I-I’ll make something,” he offered.

Ash opened his mouth to protest, but he picked up his pace then, leaving the blonde to jog lightly after him. God, he just needed to get inside and rid himself of the forbidden goods in his pockets.

His key was already in his hand by the time they reached the door to their apartment. Eiji’s hand shook violently as he tried to jam it in the lock. The damned thing kept bouncing off the metal knob.

The key slipped from his fingers on his fifth attempt, and he swore in Japanese. He just needed to get inside. He needed to get away from Ash. This was so embarrassing. He had the same nauseous feeling in his gut he’d felt back when his mom caught him self harming for the first time. He felt sick. He  _ was  _ sick. Sick in the fucking head.

Ash bent down to grab the key and slid it easily into the lock. He turned to Eiji, brow furrowed slightly in concern. “You okay? You’re shaking pretty bad.”

“Just—”  _ anxiety. _ “—feeling kinda tired.”

“You wanna lie down? I’ll make you tea or something.”

Eiji shook his head quickly. Then nodded. Then shook his head again.

God, Ash was being so  _ sweet. _ So  _ kind. _ And Eiji didn’t deserve any of it.

“I-I’m gonna use the bathroom!” he squeaked. He dashed to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him before Ash could get a word out.

Once inside, Eiji let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His legs were shaking so bad he nearly fell to the floor as he stumbled to the sink. He turned on the faucet and cupped the cold water in his hands, hesitating before splashing it on his face. It felt nice. It was just what he needed.

He slowly pulled the package of single-edge razor blades out from his pocket. They gleamed bright under the fluorescent bathroom light.

What was he  _ doing? _ He was nineteen. There was nothing wrong with his life. Why did he feel this pull, this nagging desire to hurt and punish himself?

Eiji examined the blades closely. They looked…really sharp. Sturdy. Excitement teased at him.

Fuck. What the fuck? Was he really that  _ sick? _

Eiji’s stomach churned. He couldn’t help but picture his mother’s face. The expression she’d had on when she caught him cutting himself for the first time.

But that wouldn’t happen here. He was all the way in New York, and she was back in Izumo. He was an adult. He would be starting college soon.

This was just one of those things he needed to continue. He didn’t know why. Perhaps it was like alcohol or drugs were to others; it relieved stress while also being a big ‘fuck you’ to your body. It was just something you had to do. It was completely natural and fine, not exactly great but nothing to cry about (though he did that plenty).

A knock at the door. “Eiji?”

Eiji quickly shoved the pack of razor blades back into his pocket. Panic swept through him. “Y-Yeah?”

“Shorter’s ordering Thai food, is that alright with you?”

Eiji steadied himself before grasping the doorknob and opening the bathroom door.

Ash smiled at him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a little tired,” Eiji replied. It wasn’t exactly a lie. He definitely felt better than before. “I’m gonna lie down.”

Shorter groaned from the couch, “Aw c’mon, we were gonna eat Thai food and watch a movie!”

A smile tugged at Eiji’s lips. It did sound nice, hanging out with Shorter and Ash for the night. And he felt a bit calmer now, though he was still a little shaky. He just needed to hide the blades. “Okay. That sounds nice. I just need to put something in my room really quick.”

After a moment of deciding on a hiding spot, he ended up stashing the blades under his mattress. It’s not like Ash nor Shorter ever went into his room, and what would they be doing, lifting his bed? He nodded to himself.  _ Okay. This is fine. You’re fine. Just act normal. _

His eye caught the photo of a red haired boy on his desk, left there as if forgotten. He felt a pang in his chest. He supposed there was some pain that couldn’t be chased away with a razor blade. Though he sure did fucking try.

Ash and Shorter were on the couch when Eiji finally came out of his room.

Shorter scooted over to make room for Eiji to sit in the middle. A blanket stretched between him and Ash.

“Ash wants you to sit in the middle,” said Shorter with a mock sigh, “He said you smell better than me.”

Ash turned pink. “I-I didn’t say that.”

Shorter grinned at the blonde. “You were thinking it.”

Ash leaned over to pinch the soft skin of Shorter’s neck. The boy yelped and slapped his hand away. “Eiji, Ash wants you to sit next to him and lean your head on his shoulder and maybe give him a—”

“SHUT UP!”

Eiji giggled. His face was warm and blushing. This wouldn’t be so bad. “Move over, you two. I’m sitting down.” He slotted himself between the bickering boys. Shorter was leaning back against the armrest, effectively taking up half the couch space. He stretched his legs across Eiji’s lap.

Ash narrowed his eyes but said nothing.

Shorter spread the large fluffy blanket over the three of them, and Eiji pulled it to his chin, seeking warmth.

“What movie are we watching?” he asked.

Shorter grinned. “You see, we were just about to discuss that. I, personally, was thinking Pulp Fiction—”

“—which we’ve seen three times already,” Ash interrupted.

Eiji shrugged. “I don’t care what we watch, as long as it's not too scary.”

Shorter’s eyes glinted. “Oh. Now we  _ have  _ to watch a horror movie.”

Ash grinned. “You know, for once, I agree with Shorter.”

Eiji hid his face in the blanket. “Ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything!”

“So, what are we thinking? Saw?”

“Nah, too gory.”

“Something psychological, then?”

Ash smirked. “Your pea-brain couldn’t handle it.”

“Asshole. Okay, how ‘bout The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?”

Eiji groaned. “Enough! Let’s just watch the one you said before!”

But he was too late—Shorter was already clicking the remote and searching T-E-X on their small TV. Eiji sighed and settled back into the couch. There was apparently nothing he could do.

Ash shifted slightly beside him. Their shoulders brushed. Eiji could feel his face starting to do that  _ thing  _ again. The warm blushy thing. The thing it just  _ always  _ had to do around Ash for some reason.

Eiji knew what these reactions of his mind and body meant. He recognized the fluttery sensation in his chest. He’d felt it before, with one person.

The image of red hair and bright, teasing smiles flashed across his mind. He shook his head quickly to get rid of the thoughts. That was the past. This, with Ash, here and now, was the present. Well, not that there was anything with Ash because nothing was happening between the two of them.

“What kind of movies  _ do  _ you like, if not horror, Eiji?” asked Ash, leaning into him slightly. Their shoulders were pressing up against each other now, and Eiji could feel his body heat radiating off of him.

A blush crept up his neck. “I—”

Just then, a knock sounded at the door. Eiji shot up. “I’ll get it!”

He swung open the door to find a teen holding a large white plastic bag of takeout. “Ah, lemme just grab my wallet,” he said apologetically, turning to grab his money from his jacket, which was hanging in his room.

He all but smacked into Ash’s chest. “Don’t even think about it,” the blonde said. He leaned over Eiji to hand the delivery kid his cash.

Eiji furrowed his brow. “You paid last time!”

Ash grinned. “So?”

“So, that’s not fair!”

“You cook for Shorter and I practically every night. This is literally the least I can do.” He grabbed the food from the delivery worker and thanked him before shutting the door. Eiji huffed.

They set the takeout out on the counter and loaded up their plates. The rich aromas of the pad thai, panang curry, and spring rolls made Eiji’s mouth water. Once they were settled into the couch with their steaming plates of curry and noodles, feet propped up on the low coffee table, Shorter hit play on the remote and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre began.

Surprisingly, the evening went…fine. Well. Eiji was able to calm his anxiety, and though the movie was too scary for him to consider it enjoyable, his proximity to Ash was enough to keep his mind off of the raging murderer on the TV screen. Their shoulders were pressed up comfortably against each other. He could feel every slight shift in Ash’s posture, and he was sure the blonde could feel each of his slight jumps whenever the chainsaw-wielding psychopath appeared on the TV screen. Ash would just glance over at Eiji and smile teasingly.

Eiji hid his blush in the soft blanket.

* * *

Fuck. He shouldn’t do this. He really,  _ really  _ should not do this.

_ I can’t. This is wrong. It’s wrong of me to want this,  _ he told himself sternly, though it did nothing to calm his desires. He was sitting on his bed with one arm stretched out on the sheets and a brand new razor blade clutched tightly in his dominant hand. The movie had ended over two hours ago; he’d told himself he would go to sleep, and he really did try, but it was hard when he was so painfully aware of the pack of blades pinned underneath his mattress.

Eiji experimentally touched the sharp corner of the blade against his arm.

He would just do it once.

To test it out.

He let the tip slide across his arm, watching as a faint pink line spread across the pale skin of his forearm. It took a moment for the blood to come, filling in the line like concrete filling cracks in a sidewalk. It stung slightly. The pain felt familiar.

God, how long had it been? Four months? Five? All reduced to a few seconds. The thought didn’t make him sad, strangely enough. He felt nothing. He wanted to do it again.

_ That’s  _ what made him sad. The fact that he liked it. It was fun, enjoyable. Something to do at night when his thoughts were running circles around him.

He was disgusting. He was sick. Really, really, sick.

Really really really sick—

Eiji got up quickly and dashed to the bathroom. He was just able to get the toilet seat up before the contents of his stomach came spilling out into the white bowl. His stomach heaved. The taste of bile in his mouth made his head spin. And the  _ stench. _ God, if there was one thing he hated, it was vomiting.

“F-Fuck,” he breathed, trembling slightly as he wiped the spit and vomit from his mouth with the hem of his shirt. Eugh. He’d definitely have to change.

The door to the bathroom creaked open. “Eiji? Are you okay?” Ash’s concerned voice filled the room.

Fuck.

There was blood running down his arm. He had just vomited.  _ Fuck! _

Eiji hid his head in the toilet bowl and clutched his arm to his chest so that his forearm couldn’t be seen. “Y-Yeah, sorry if I woke you.”

“It’s okay,” Ash said, coming closer to kneel at his side. “I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

Eiji couldn’t bear to look at him. He just wanted to keep Ash’s eyes off him and his bleeding arm. “W-Why not?” he mumbled into the toilet bowl.

A pause. “Bad dream.”

“I’m sorry,” Eiji said mechanically. That’s what you were supposed to say when people had bad dreams, right?

Ash chuckled softly. “Happens often. Nothing to be sorry about.”

_ Happens often. _ Eiji wondered vaguely what he meant by that and exactly  _ how  _ often. He kept these questions to himself, though.

“I’ll get you some water, okay?” Ash stood and padded to the kitchen.

Eiji quickly examined the scratch on his forearm. He was surprised to find he had hit the dermis (the layer of skin resting beneath the epidermis/outer layer) which was shocking considering he didn’t remember pressing much at all. Blood had already tracked a red path all the way down his forearm to his palm. He remembered back when he’d use tiny, dull pencil sharpener blades and would have to jam it roughly into his skin just to coax even the smallest amount of blood out.

These blades were proving themselves to be plenty sharp.

Ash returned then with a glass of water, and Eiji tilted his arm so the cut was pressed into his shirt, where the blonde couldn’t see it.

Ash knelt down and held the cup out to him.

He reached out with a trembling hand and grabbed it. He didn’t realize that he’d chosen the wrong arm. That he’d chosen the one that was currently oozing blood.

Ash’s eyes widened at the sight of the sizable slice running across his forearm. “Shit, Eiji, what happened to your arm?”

Eiji’s hand shook violently.

_ Crash! _

They both stared for a moment at the shattered cup on the floor. The water turned the droplets of blood on the tile pink as the two liquids mixed together.

“F-Fuck, I’m sorry Ash!” Eiji exclaimed, scrambling to gather the wet shards. Instinct in him wanted to save them for later, though he knew he didn’t need to anymore. He had everything he could ever want waiting for him under his bed. The thought was comforting somehow.

Ash grabbed Eiji’s wrist, turning his arm so he could examine his injury. His touch was warm, gentle, yet a clear direction all the same. “What happened?” he demanded.

Eiji paled. He said the first thing that came to mind. “A-A c-c-cat,” he stammered. “I-I was scratched by a cat.”

He thought he saw Ash’s jaw tighten. “We don’t have a cat,” the blonde deadpanned.

“Th-There was one! At my window! I opened it to let it inside and it—it scratched me!” Eiji knew how ridiculous he sounded. A fucking cat climbed to the fourth fucking floor and scratched his arm? There was no doubt that Ash could see right through his bullshit.

The blonde didn’t say anything. He just continued turning Eiji’s arm to examine it. “Does it hurt?” he asked after a moment.

“No. It’s really fine.” Eiji tried to pull his arm back, but Ash’s grip was firm.

“I’m going to clean it.”

Eiji gulped. “Seriously, it’s okay. I don’t think the thing had rabies or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m going to clean it,” Ash said again, more firmly this time. Eiji said nothing. He finally released the grip on his arm and stood, turning to the medicine cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of saline solution and a pack of large bandaids, brushing aside the glass on the floor before kneeling in front of Eiji.

He uncapped the bottle of saline solution and Eiji braced himself for the stinging pain. “It won’t hurt. It’s just saltwater,” Ash said softly. He poured the saline over Eiji’s cut. It felt…slightly warm. Nice. The water pooled on the floor under Eiji’s arm.

“Uh, shouldn’t we do this over the sink?”

“I’ll clean the bathroom later. The floor’s already wet.”

“Oh.”

When he was done pouring the saline over the wound, Ash took a clean towel and patted it dry. He then grabbed the bandaid—Eiji was horrified to find it had a cartoon hotdog on it—and pressed it gently over his skin, smoothing it out before peeling off the waxy paper and sticking it on. His hands lingered on Eiji’s arm, thumbs smoothing over the bandaid gently.

“So, this cat…what did it look like?”

Eiji swallowed. “Ah…I think it was grey.”

“Funny. The neighbor’s cat is orange.”

He said nothing.

“Sharp claws, huh?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Ash released his arm then. He stood. “You can just go to bed. I’ll clean this stuff up.”

Normally, Eiji would have insisted he help him. He would scoff at his attempts to take the work for himself. But these circumstances were anything but normal. He just wanted to get out of the bathroom as fast as possible, before his walls crumbled. Before Ash realized that there was not, in fact, a cat that had climbed their four story fire escape and clawed Eiji’s arm.

“Thank you for…helping me,” he said awkwardly.

He didn’t wait for Ash to finish. He just needed to  _ leave. _

Once his bedroom door shut behind him, Eiji slid to the floor with a shaky exhale. Fuck. He felt so  _ bad.  _ Guilty. Horrible. Dirty. Sick. He hadn’t felt these emotions this strong since the first time he self harmed.

This felt like another first, only worse. Way, way worse. He was not fourteen anymore. He was a fucking adult. He needed to get a grip.

Later, though. He’d do that all later. In the meantime, he had something under his mattress to attend to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ash surprises eiji after his first day at NYU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAH im sorry this chapter took so long. I have so many ideas for this story but I was really struggling to put them into words. We're getting there though!
> 
> tw for sh in this chap, also i made yut-lung eiji's age

EIJI POV

In the days leading up to his first day at NYU, Eiji felt surprisingly good. Sure, his nerves made his hands tremble and his legs feel weak. And yes, seeing himself in the mirror made him want to vomit. But all of that anxiety vanished when he reached into the hiding place beneath his mattress and extracted a single shiny razor blade.

His legs were a mess. He’d moved onto his upper arms and sides to make up for the space his thighs lacked. Every movement made the scabs on his limbs catch on seams and brush painfully against fabric. Getting in the shower ignited a dull stinging sensation across the dozens of slices across his legs, sides, and arms. Everything _hurt._

Aside from this, things were fine. Ash hadn’t been home during the day in a while though, and Eiji couldn’t help the twinge of disappointment he felt whenever he entered his room to wake him up only to find an empty bed. He supposed his roommate was a busy guy. And that was fine. He didn’t miss him. How could he, when they’d known each other for less than a month?

He settled for leaving meals in the fridge at night so that he could pick it up in the morning. He didn’t want Ash to leave the house on an empty stomach after all, which he had a bad habit of doing. Ash had also let it slip at one point that shrimp and avocado salad was his favorite food, so this is how Eiji came to make it for him each night. Sometimes he’d leave a little sticky note with a happy face on the lid.

He didn’t know what made him do it. Maybe he just wanted to picture Ash’s smile, the subtle shake of his head when he saw the silly note attached to his breakfast.

They didn’t talk. They didn’t get the chance.

At night, Eiji cut.

Things were fine. They had a routine, and routine was all Eiji ever needed.

* * *

The beginning of NYU’s first semester finally rolled around, and Shorter was the one to accompany him to the campus, which was located near the famous Washington Square Park. Eiji’s whole body buzzed with nerves. His fingers drummed against his thighs as they rode the bus to their next stop, squashed between a bickering couple and an old woman and her shopping bags.

Shorter slung an arm around Eiji’s shoulder. “You excited, Eiji?”

Eiji nodded dumbly.

 _I feel sick,_ he thought.

You’re excited!

_I’m going to barf._

He didn’t, thank god. Shorter’s arm around him and the clean scent of his cologne was enough to steady him. He could do this.

Shorter seemed unfazed by the stares he was getting from the other students as they made their way through the crowd. He was big, after all, tall and bulky, taking up much space. His bright purple mohawk and dark sunglasses only made him more visible. Eiji smiled slightly. He felt a growing fondness for him.

Or maybe he was just grateful that all eyes were on Shorter rather than himself. That was probably it. He had chosen the most tame outfit he could possibly come up with—jeans, a teal hoodie, and a black jacket over that. His backpack straps hung loosely over his shoulders.

They stopped outside the building where Eiji’s first class was located. They were nearly running late, but Eiji couldn’t bring himself to walk through the glass double doors. Students were filing in and out, careful not to run into him as they passed him. He felt rooted to the spot.

“You okay?” Shorter asked.

Eiji nodded. “Yeah. Just…nervous, that’s all.”

“Look. I’ve never been to college, but…NYU seems chill. The people here seem nice. And you’re nice, too. I bet they won’t be able to resist you.”

Eiji thought he didn’t mean anything by it, but he blushed all the same. “Thank you. For that, and for coming with me.” He added sheepishly, “I probably would have gotten lost on my own.”

Shorter grinned. “I know.”

Eiji rolled his eyes, nudged him playfully.

They were good like that.

* * *

His psychology class went by in a blur. The professor was much younger than Eiji was expecting, though he dressed like an old man. He was attractive, too, which Eiji thought was unfortunate considering he had a hard enough time focusing on lectures. They spent the period going over the syllabus and learning about the professor and his experiences teaching. Eiji found it to be quite exhilarating, being in a classroom with so many people, excitement and productivity buzzing in the air.

They were given the opportunity to chat with each other towards the end of class, since there would be group assignments in no time and the goal was for the students to feel comfortable with one another.

Eiji glanced at the boy beside him out of the corner of his eye. His hair was long and black, his porcelain skin clear and perfect. Eyeliner and minimal eyeshadow dotted his eyes. His lips were pink.

He was pretty.

He was also very, very bored, or so it appeared.

Their eyes met, and Eiji offered him a weak smile. “Hi. I’m Eiji Okumura.” He fiddled with his hands under the desk.

The boy examined his cuticles as he said, “Yut-Lung.”

“Are you a freshman?”

“What do you think?”

Eiji swallowed. “Ah…yes?”

Yut-Lung didn’t respond. He seemed fixated on something else. That ‘something else’ being the teacher at the front of the classroom. Eiji followed his gaze. The professor was certainly attractive, with dark, smooth skin and stubble on his strong jaw.

“You’re from Japan, aren’t you?” Yut-Lung asked after a moment, turning his attention back to Eiji, who blushed, suddenly shy.

“Was it the accent?”

Yut-Lung shrugged, a soft smile on his pink lips. “Something like that. How long have you been in America?”

“A couple weeks.”

“You live in the dorms?”

“No, I share an apartment in the Chinatown district.”

“Oh, I see. How do you like it so far?”

“The place is great. Not too small, though the kitchen is definitely tiny.” Eiji couldn’t help but smile as he added, “I really like my roommates. They’re great people.”

Yut-Lung nodded. “That’s good.”

A beat of silence passed between the two of them. Eiji picked at his nails awkwardly. “Um…what other classes are you taking?”

“What’s it to you?”

Eiji frowned. He didn’t know what to say to that. Were Americans always so mean?

Yut-Lung sighed. “Look, if you want my number, the answer’s no. You’re not really my type.”

Eiji’s jaw dropped just the slightest bit. “Wh-What? No, I wasn’t—”

“You’re cute, don’t get me wrong. But I have to pass.”

Eiji blushed, though he couldn’t tell if it was from Yut-Lung’s comment or his misunderstanding of the situation. “I’m not trying to get your number,” he said quickly, “I thought we were having small talk.”

Yut-Lung rolled his eyes. “Making. It’s ‘making small talk’, not having.”

Eiji scowled. “You know, you’re what we’d call in Japanese _sukoshi tawagoto_.”

Yut-Lung let out a lilted laugh. It was pretty, just like the rest of him. “Did you just call me a little shit?”

Eiji blinked. “You—You speak Japanese?” He couldn’t help the excitement that teased at him.

“Bits and pieces,” he said with a light shrug of his narrow shoulders. “Don’t get excited. We won’t be having full conversations in your native tongue.”

The implication that they would be having future conversations at all made Eiji smile just a bit. He decided Yut-Lung was strange, but maybe slightly less shitty than his first impression.

The rest of the day passed by relatively quickly. Eiji found that just observing each syllabus in class was enough to spark stress-induced anxiety within. He let out a heavy sigh when his last class finally let out. How could he feel so drained after just one day?

He supposed he could go home, get started on his assignments, make dinner. Pray that Ash was home that evening, at least early enough for him to slip in a quick ‘hi’. He hoped he was getting enough to eat. He wondered where it was he went for so many hours each day, but then again, it wasn’t really his business. He just missed his company. That was all.

And then suddenly, as if the universe heard his wishes, he was staring at a familiar head of blonde. Ash was leaning against a trash can, dressed in his signature jeans, white T-shirt, and flannel, scanning the crowd with his jade eyes. Two cups of steaming drinks and a paper baggie were clutched in his hands.

Eiji’s heart leapt in his chest.

Their eyes met, and a smile broke through Ash’s normally cold expression. Eiji felt himself returning the same grin.

ASH POV

Ash Lynx was rarely nervous. He got tense, he got angry, he felt guilt. But nerves? They were essentially foreign to him.

So that’s why he was entirely caught off-guard by his shaky hands and racing heartbeat as he waited for Eiji outside of the NYU building. God, why did he feel like this? Nausea was beginning to creep up. Perhaps this was a mistake. Should he abandon the plan altogether? He still had time to run and ditch the drinks, didn’t he?

“Ash-u!”

Or not.

Eiji’s whole face brightened when he saw him.

Ash smiled as the Japanese boy approached him. “I thought I’d come to see you on your first day. I haven’t been around much the past few days, so this is my way of apologizing.” Growing pink, he was suddenly self conscious of the fact that Eiji might not have noticed his absence at all.

He held a hot chocolate and a bagged banana nut muffin out to Eiji, blushing. “For you,” he said, averting his eyes.

Eiji’s eyes widened. “Oh! Thank you!” He took the items gently. Their fingers brushed, sending a wave of heat through Ash’s body. “Did you come all the way to see me?”

The blonde blushed even deeper. “I was in the area.” This was a lie. He took two buses to get there.

Eiji was looking at him strange, a twinkle in his eye. There was a big grin on his face.

The blonde suddenly feared he could see right through him. He cleared his throat. “You wanna sit in the park for a bit?” he proposed, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly with his free hand.

Eiji nodded, eyes smiling at Ash from beneath his luxurious dark lashes. Ash swallowed. _God._

They made their way across the street to Washington Square Park and sat down cross-legged on a patch of grass shadowed by a large oak tree. There were college students all about the park, sitting on benches, talking amongst themselves, working on assignments on expensive laptops.

Ash suddenly felt out of place. It wasn’t a feeling he experienced often, and it made him very, very uncomfortable. Maybe it was because he was surrounded by people who led such different lives than him.

He distracted himself by sipping his hot chocolate. He watched Eiji observe a flock of pigeons gathered around a bench where someone had spilled a salad. The hungry birds pecked at the stale croutons, occasionally nipping at each other when another bird got too close.

Eiji turned to him then, and Ash looked away quickly, heat creeping up his neck.

“This hot chocolate is really delicious,” he said softly. “Thank you.”

“I actually have something to tell you, about…that…well, sort of about that.” Ash cringed inwardly at his rambling. “The coffee shop I got it from is looking for a part-timer, and I was wondering if you’d be interested, since you're looking for a job and all.”

Eiji stared at him. “R-Really?”

“Yeah. I picked up a flyer, if you want it.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper, handing it to the other boy.

Eiji set his hot chocolate aside and smoothed out the folds in the flyer before taking a moment to read it.

The words, “Stumptown Coffee Roasters” stared at him in bold lettering. He considered the hours listed on the flyer with his class schedule, then— “This is really great! The hours match up with my classes perfectly.”

“So you think you’ll do it? It might be a lot to handle, school and work and stuff.”

Eiji shrugged. “I can handle it. Can’t you?”

Ash cocked his head to the side. “Hm?”

Eiji grinned. “School and work, silly. Isn’t that how you manage living alone when you're seventeen?”

Ash cleared his throat. “Oh, um, yeah. Yeah, I do that.” He didn’t bother telling Eiji that he was actually eighteen now. His birthday, August twelfth, was successfully kept a secret from his roommates. He didn’t dare think what Shorter would plan if he found out the actual date.

“When does your senior year start, anyway?” Eiji asked before taking another sip of his hot chocolate.

God. Senior year. That felt so damn far away. When was the last time he set foot in his high school, anyway?

Ash racked his brain for an answer to Eiji’s question. “Ummm…it started today?” He meant to say it as a statement, but the lilt in his voice made it sound like a question. He coughed. “Today. Yeah.”

“What’s your job like?”

“Umm…” He hesitated. “M-Manual labor.”

“What kind?”

“Ya know. Here, there…just…physical stuff.”

Eiji looked at him weirdly. Then, a laugh bubbled from his lips. 

Ash couldn’t help the leaping sensation in his chest at the sound of Eiji’s laugh. It sounded almost melodic. So warm. “What’s so funny?”

Eiji shook his head, smiling to himself. “Nothing. You’re…just…” He decided to sip his hot chocolate instead of finishing.

After a moment, he unwrapped the banana nut muffin and split it in half with his fingers, holding out a piece to Ash. “Don’t even think of saying no.”

“I wasn’t!”

Eiji grinned. “I could see it in your eyes. You're stubborn and you don’t like receiving things.”

Ash raised his eyebrows. “Ouch. You’re pretty stubborn yourself, you know.”

Eiji giggled. “Just take it.”

“I don’t need it!”

“Everyone needs a muffin!” Eiji huffed. “Are you going to take it, or do I have to feed it to you?” He looked dead serious.

_What._

Ash’s brain just about short circuited.

Eiji _feeding_ him? The thought excited him more than he’d like to admit.

“I’ll take the muffin,” he said quickly, blushing a deep red.

He had to admit, it tasted delicious. The sugary mix on top was Ash’s favorite part. The muffin was moist and fluffy and perfect. He would have to go back to the cafe soon to get another.

“You think they’ll teach me how to make these?” Eiji said, as if reading his mind. “That would be cool if I could make them for us.”

“What, you already planning to put your new job out of business?” Ash said with a smirk.

“Fine. I’ll make the most delicious muffins, and only Shorter gets to have them.”

Ash shook his head. A smile tugged at his lips. “Too cruel.”

They settled into a comfortable silence after that, munching on their muffin halves and taking sips of their hot chocolate, which was growing lukewarm in the chilly autumn air. Fall would begin at the end of the month, and New York City was finally cooling down after a grueling summer heatwave.

“Do you ever swim in the Hudson?” Eiji asked after a moment. “Like, during the summer?”

Ash nearly spit out his drink. He wrinkled his nose. “Ugh, no way. The Hudson River is disgusting. Do you know how many bodies they drag up from that thing each year?”

Eiji paled. He laughed nervously. “Ah…I pictured it like a lake you could swim in.”

Ash chuckled. Eiji was adorable.

“We used to swim a lot when I was a kid,” he said after another sip. He spotted two kids practicing headstands against a tree’s trunk, and he smiled. “I lived in a place called Cape Cod, up north. It was shitty, but there was a beach, and sun, so that made things at least somewhat tolerable.”

He didn’t know why he was talking about this. It was strange of him to bring up Cape Cod around anybody; he usually kept any and all pieces of his past locked behind bars.

But this didn’t feel like just anybody. And it was comfortable, so he continued.

“There was this ice cream parlour near my house called Anderson’s. Everyone who goes to Cape Cod, or lives there or whatever, knows about it. I guess you could call it famous, since they prepare the stuff themselves and it’s damn delicious.” Another sip. “My brother and I used to walk to the shop almost every day during the summer to get cones. He was big on vanilla. I myself preferred their rainbow sherbet.”

He glanced at Eiji to see if he was still listening.

The other boy was smiling at him, but not just smiling, his whole face was alight, eyes practically glowing. Or maybe Ash was thinking that because of the rays of sunlight that had just broken through the cloud cover, casting a warm glow on the two of them.

To put it short, Eiji looked ethereal. Ash’s breath caught in his throat. The sunlight made his brown eyes appear like molten pools of honey, his tan skin smooth and glistening.

And those gorgeous orbs were focused on _him_ , _his_ face, _his_ eyes.

If he could capture images in his head, he would have taken a mental picture right there.

“I like it when you tell me about yourself,” said Eiji softly, a pretty blush dusting his cheeks. “There seems to be a lot that you don’t share, but I like it when you do.”

Ash swallowed. His face felt warm, and not from the rays of sun on his skin.

“You’re easy to talk to,” he mumbled, averting his eyes.

He could sense Eiji shifting closer. “Am I?”

“Yeah.”

“So tell me more.”

Eiji’s words echoed in Ash’s mind— _Just the beginning._

He cleared his throat, daring to look again at Eiji’s eyes, which as always, were warm, kind. Beautiful.

So he allowed himself, just this once. “What do you want to know?”

Eiji shrugged. He leaned back, supported by his backpack, and set his drink aside. He closed his eyes. The sun illuminated his tan face, his slightly pink cheeks, danced across his skin and the light freckles that dusted his nose.

Ash was tempted to lean back with him. He desired _closeness._

“Tell me more about summers in Cape Cod,” said Eiji.

So Ash did. He described the beach and the feeling of sand between his toes, which he missed dearly. The gatherings his neighbors would host on occasion during especially hot months.

He told him about Griffin. Strange, considering he was off limits to anyone but Skipper. He described sitting high atop his older brother’s broad shoulders as they made their way through town, the wind he felt in his face as he happily lapped at his ice cream cone. Times where they would build sand castles together. Go on long hikes through the trees.

Listening to him speak, Eiji saw Ash for what he really was—a carefree, ill-fated boy.

And for the first time in a long time, Ash talked about his past with a lightness in his chest.

But like all good things, the conversation came to an abrupt end. Ash was interrupted by the sight of a familiar blonde sauntering towards them, clear direction in his step, his blue eyes locked on Ash’s jade ones.

“Ash!” Arthur said, grinning malevolently. “It’s good to see you, buddy. Who’s your friend?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* what does arthur want??? lol hope you enjoyed!


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